“Milky cat has been your friend since you were a little baby,” I said,.

“I couldn’t talk, ” said Elliot.

“Not yet” said daddy

“Long time ago, someone threw a fish. Who is it?”

I don’t know i said

Then, “the fishy thief “

“Remember grandapa marty and grandapa moe both died? They ate bad food and did not exercise.”

Yeah i said

Daddy not die?”

Elliot says to me “ok, little buddy!“ all the time.

Finished this book last night, recommended to me by Sagi Elster. It was good, but I’m not sure I got some of the deeper meanings and symbols.

Just finished this morning. The first 75-100 pages were not so good, but then I couldn’t put it down.

This winter, Elliot has been fascinated with melting snow. He sees water running by the curb or down the rain spout and asks, “Why?”. I think he means “how” but he does not use that word yet).

I carefully explain how the heat of the sun melts the snow and ice into water. I have him touch the rainspout to feel it’s warmth. I show him the snow in the shadows is not melting and explain it’s still cold. I tell him when it gets cold again, the water will turn to ice.

He asks about this a lot. I’m used to the repetition. If I deviate from my previous answers, he corrects me. So I know he listens and registers it.

He likes repetition, whether stories or learning letters or words or singing the same song a thousand times. I know it won’t stay this way from my experience with Max at this age, so I enjoy it.

I love seeing the world through new eyes again. Through Elliot’s eyes.. Things that are so mundane and banal to me are vicariously fresh and surprising once again.

Elliot had his first experience with light sticks. Previously he’d had light necklaces and bracelets (especially during Halloween), but I do not think he’d ever had a light stick before. If he had, he did not remember and neither did I.

So tonight before bedtime, he got to choose a toy from the Schnaka Box. There were a few lightsticks. I explained that they would glow all night. He immediately chose one over all the toys. And the same choice the next night, too. He slept with the lightsticks all night long. He was completely fascinated by them in bed in the dark; shaking them, “Look, Daddy! Look!” for a good half hour. And when he woke up the next morning, he did not understand why it didn’t glow anymore. I had a difficult time explaining, but finally said it just wore out. You need a new one. He chose a new lightstick from the Schnaka Box the next night. He wanted to save the spent sticks.

Elliot read his first words with me last week: cup, car, cow, dog, hat. We practiced for a couple of weeks during the days I had him. They are flash cards. He read them without the pictures! I love being a dad.

First he spelled each letter then he said the word, no phonics. He had them memorized.

Holding the Halloween skeleton, “Why does people died?” I did not answer.

We were preparing to leave the house for school. Elliot asked who is picking him up from school. I said Mama. Elliot grabbed me and, hugging me, said “Daddy, I want to stay with you.”

This happens a lot now.

Elliot is finally old enough to play Sardines!, the unfinished video game I wrote for his 3rd birthday. He is not very good and does not move fast enough because he’s still not even four years old. But he loves the game and plays it over and over and over until I tell him to stop. I need to add a “kid mode” where all the sprites move slower, and there are fewer sharks.

Elliot and I play the “Waterfalls” game. Well, that what he calls it. I call “Niagara Falls”. Anyway, after playing this for a bit on my bed, he tells me to pretend he is dough. I should roll him out, then wrap him up in a “cocoon” (blanket) and bake him. I do it with a lot of tickling and giggling. We play this a few times and it seems formulaic, so I ask “Where did you learn this game?”

“With Maxi.”

I remembered our times together, the three of us, playing similar wrestling and physical games and acting out stories like this together. It is sweet to know they still play that way; sad to know I am not part of them. But Elliot and I play this way most every day we are together. And we love it. Life is always changing. Do not cling.

Elliot and I went to Shabbat services today at the Lone Tree synagogue (Chabad Jewish Center of South Metro Denver). He really enjoyed it this time. He stayed with me for the service, helped to put away the Torah, ate brunch, and played with Libby and the other children.

But the best part was that my new friend, Zev, said to me at brunch, “Elliot is probably the nicest boy I’ve ever met. Earlier I held the door for him. He turned to me and said, ‘Thank you’. Most adults don’t even do that.”

After a bedtime story about the Pizza Kittens, Color Kittens (Hush and Brush), Huggy Wuggy, Siren Head, Elliot and Daddy sledding together at the sledding hill next to the school, I told Elliot what Zev said about him. He repeated how a man had held the door for him. So he understood the story. But that’s all he said. “See? I’m not the only one who thinks you are a good boy. I’m very proud of you!” If the lights had been on, I could have seen his beaming face.

Yesterday, we were driving to preschool. Elliot is playing with a plastic Halloween skeleton he picked up in the garage. He asks if the skeleton is real. I say, “No, it’s pretend.” Then he asks, “Where skeletons come from?” And I say that when we die, we become skeletons.”

“Why die?”, he asks. He doesn’t know what, how, when, who very well and often just says “why” instead. I think he is asking “who dies?”.

“Everyone dies. Me, Mama, Maxi, Elliot.”, I say.

“No, that’s a joke, Daddy. That’s a joke. That’s a joke”. He keeps saying it until I repeat him — “Yes, that’s a joke”, then he says, “Uh huh” in that same inflection he’s used since he could first speak. I was not sure how to respond. But I know he can learn about it later. I still remember how hurt Max was when he learned about it. And I know I wrote about it in either this book or the Maxi book.

Elliot asked me to tell him a bedtime story.

“Elliot was at a birthday party with the pizza kittens, the color kittens, and Blippi. Ironman and Spider-Man arrived. They saw Elliot and said, ‘Where’s your super hero costume?'”

Elliot interjects here and says he wants to be the super hero named Huggie Wuggie.

“What color is Huggiee Wuggie’s costume?” I ask

“Golden and rainbow colors”, he says.

I continue, “Elliot quickly puts on his Huggie Wuggie costume to become HUGGIE WUGGIE, THE SUPER HERO. What is Huggie Wuggie’s super power?”

“He eats people!”, says Elliot. I continue:

“Huggie Wuggie is no ordinary super hero. He doesn’t fly. He doesn’t have X-ray vision, a freeze ray, he can’t climb walls and he is not super strong. No, when Huggie Wuggie needs to vanquish the bad guy, he takes out his fork, knife, and spoon and EATS HIM!“

“Huggie Wuggie lives with Ironman. One day, the door bell rings. ‘I’ll get it,’ says Iron Man. Elliot interjects:

“IT’S SIREN HEAD!”, says Elliot.

“It’s Siren Head, the bad guy, and he wants to come inside”, I say.

“I EAT HIM!”, says Elliot.

I continue, “But before Siren Head can make another move, Huggie Wuggie runs toward him and eats him! That’s the end of Siren Head. Then there is another knock at the door. Huggie Wuggie opens it and it’s FISH FACE!”

“No, it’s Fish Head”, says Elliot.

“It’s Fish Head and he’s angry”.

“I eat him!”, says Elliot.

“HUGGIE WUGGIE EATS FISH HEAD!”.

This goes on for a while with different bad guys ringing the door bell or knocking, each of which meet a similar fate. There’s a part when Siren Head makes a return and some how Elliot changes from Huggie Wuggie into Siren Head.

Eventually, Elliot tells me he loves me and fall to sleep together.

Last night, I boosted Elliot to the kitchen countertop to feed him fish oil and a vitamin. He said, “I missed you.“

“You mean today at school?”, I asked.

“No, at mama’s apartment.“

I hugged him. Then he said, “I‘m always love you.“