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Twice now Elliot has woken up and immediately said, “Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday”, once from a full night of sleep once from a nap. I’ve never heard him use the days of the week before, so I must ask if he’s learning them at the Garden Preschool.

What was he dreaming?

She lived with us for 4 weeks: May 22 – June 19, 2021. She was family. Elliot even called her mama twice, by accident. Today he said:

Aki, where chocha Joanie?”

Elliot picked up this photo this morning and said:

“Elliot and Maxi.”

I said, “Are you crying?” (he was at the time)

Elliot replied, “No. Maxi, my best friend.”

The photo was taken at Garden PreSchool before they moved to the new location on Belleview. It was a “graduation” or “end of year” photo for Elliot. So I think it was taken about May 2020, with Elliot just over 2 years old.

Last night was the first time Elliot said, “I love you” to me. Actually, he said “I wuv you.” I hugged him and kissed him as my heart soared.

I’ve never asked him to say that to me, but this morning I did. He complied. It was not as nice as last night when he said it on his own, out of the blue!

Age: exactly 3 years 2 months

June 18, 2021

Dear Jenny,

The ultimate touchstone of friendship is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.

– David Whyte

Thank you for living with me, loving me, and supporting me for four weeks. You taught me how to handle my grief. You protected me from Max and Karolina. You were my compass when I did not know where to go or which decision to choose. When I was paralyzed with grief, you comforted me and helped me take another step.

You communicated to lawyers and psychologists better than I could myself. You taught me how to reclaim my home for myself. You taught me that I want this home for myself. You labeled and identified my abuse, naming that which was unnamed and therefore previously untreatable. You stayed up all hours of the morning, day, and night listening selflessly.

You played with Elliot and fed him. You wiped his butt and cared for the copious pets.

You hugged me when I cried. You spoke for me when I was speechless.

You taught me how to be a parent. Of all the beautiful moments I have had with you, teaching me to be a better person and a better parent for Elliot was the most valuable. That will endure for years to come, and someday I will explain to Elliot that he is who he is, at least in part, because of and through you.

You taught me without words; by example. When I got frustrated with Elliot for not eating, not using the toilet, not walking on his own during our hike or other trivialities, you taught me what to do by taking over and teaching me through example. In this way, you are the embodiment of someone very special who was in my life before, Claire Schaier, my “Nanny”, my step-grandmother. The similarities between the two of you are deep.

You went to the pediatrician with me and Elliot – twice! – and helped me to execute the plan the doctor gave us. Elliot gave up his pacifier while you were here, in no small part because of you. He had his first morning without a milk bottle. He started brushing his own teeth and hair, and to make the bed, all because of you. You taught me that Elliot is ready to grow up. I didn’t know.

You validated and a feeling I always had but could not express and did not accept: that Elliot should call me Daddy.

You spent more time with my friends Sagi, Rebecca, Dave, and Tiffany in 4 weeks than Karolina ever did. In fact, Karolina has never met Dave. I only wish you had also met my 80-year-old friend Tim.

You cleaned, packed, shopped, laundered, cooked, cataloged, counted, counseled, and coached. (An aside: Michael hates alliteration and I did not use it here on purpose, really!) You documented, you organized. You searched the house high and low for clues of Karolina’s craziness. You priced. You boxed my things and moved them to a storage unit with Wilson so Karolina could not steal, dispose, or deface them.

You bore witness to the craziness of Memorial Day weekend with Max, which culminated in a police visit. You saw Max transformed into a puppet. You saw his behavior first-hand. You taught me to let go of my beautiful past with Max and to realize the present is toxic.

What you have witnessed of Karolina – her lies, warped realities, manipulations, and narcissism – is a great gift: “A burden shared is a burden halved.” Even my sister, brother, mother, and father did not witness it.

Thank you for accompanying me, for believing in me. I will always be there for you if you need anything or anyone.

Please read the paragraph at the beginning by David Whyte again.

p.s. please keep this small sum for yourself and do not use it to pay household bills!

Tonight I read three books to Elliot and told him two stories.

The first story was about finding a lost map. On the map there was an “X” that marked the spot of a secret chocolate waterfall, chocolate fountains, and chocolate pools guarded by a dragon. Elliot, Max, Chinle, Grendel Fish, New Cat, Noce, and Pepe all followed Elliot who led the way on the map. After traveling some time, they had to go through a portal —a hole in the sky — to eventually find the dragon. The dragon would not let the party pass and asked many questions. No one knew what to do except Pepe, who had a taco, and everyone knows dragons love tacos.

My shirt was off since it was hot. Elliot laid his head on my bare chest (“lay kepee”) as I told him to go to sleep.

I pulled out my tablet and starting reading my book, “Project Hail Mary “ by Andy Weir (not so good).

Elliot started at the screen as I read. I told him my book has no pictures. I told him I’m reading in my head, quietly without talking.

He started to sing the ABC song (“Baby C’s”) and although he knows the entire alphabet and has for a long time, he does not know the song very well or the order of the letters. He struggled, and I sang with him a few times. Then I continued to read. He pointed out a few capital letters, then fell asleep on my chest as I read.

This is how I will teach my son a love of reading fiction.

On Friday, I shaved my beard. And yesterday, Elliot saw me for the first time without it. He was fascinated, “No beard!”, rubbing my face up and down, saying “sharp!” (because the stubble is sharp).

Max saw me and asked, “Why?”

We were in Walmart. Elliot needed to pee. He accidentally touched the toilet, so afterwards we washed his hands. Then I placed his hands under the dryer. I don’t think he’s seen these dryers before. It was very loud and he did NOT like it at all. He started to cry! I stopped and and tried to get him to use it again but he refused! Short video first then an picture.

TOT BASKETBALL!

Yesterday in the car, I asked Elliot who are his friends. He named Kayla and we named a few together in his new and old classes (Purple and Silver Rooms): Mendel, Liam, Maya, etc. But then he said that “Livia” (Olivia) is his best friend. That’s the first time he’s used that phrase!

Karolina is still in jail. Sunday night.

lots of crying

what if something breaks and only you can fix it?

i dont wanna move. i dont wanna live in a small house. i love our house.

will you live close?

i promise you i’ll always live close. you can come to stay with me anytime, even after school you can sleep at my house. and your bedroom will be bigger. we will have a big house.

where is mama?

[i did not tell him]

is it my fault?

do you like being married to her

what if we wanna download a movie or something like that?

will something happen like every tuesday where i come over (to you)

but i dont wanna move to a different house. i dont wanna move again. i just really like this house. half of my stuff just disappears. and i dont want to move to a smaller house.

me: you’re going to get more presents when the holidays come around. you’re going to get presents from mama, me, and mareika and gaga

but what about mother’s day?

me: that’s up to you. mama loves when you make her gifts. i can take you shopping for cake and presents, whatever you want to get to make it special. but then it’s up to you. i won’t be there for mother’s day, but i can help you make it special.

Karolina went to jail last night. So this is night #2, Saturday.

This morning, Elliot woke up at about 6:45 with me next to him. I gave him milk and it was a normal day with Andrea helping so I could do paperwork for the divorce, get a storage unit, consult with the divorce attorney, etc.

Elliot did not ask for mama until 12 hours later. After playing some pinball, he started to walk upstairs and called “Mama?” but that’s all.

An hour later after dinner of eggs, fruit, and water (I wasn’t prepared), we went upstairs to start reading our books.

Here are some of the books in our current nightly rotation. We read 3 or 4 per night.

The last book we read, which he specifically requested, was Are You My Mother? Like Dragons Love Tacos, Night of the Gargoyles (I love Eve Bunting), the Alistair Grittle books, The Three Robbers, Adaleide, and some others, Are You My Mother? is another book in our current rotation which we’ve been reading most nights.

Elliot: “Aki, where’s my mother?”

He’s never called Karolina anything other than Mama — certainly never Mother — so I thought he must be asking for the book. I picked up the book and read it to him.

After I finish, he says again, “Where’s my mother?”

“She’s not here right now.”

“Story. Tell story.”

I told him a made-up story about Elliot driving to Roxborough State Park with Pepe, Grendel Fish, Noce, New Cat, Chiney, and Daddy (not Aki this time) and then hiking. All the cats ran away on the hike, chasing different animals like rabbit, squirrel, mouse, grasshoppers, etc, and it was our job to get them back to the car. Daddy could not run fast enough so Elliot had to eventually get each one and put them back into the car. Well, we had forgotten about the open bottle of spicy salsa we left in the car. The cats drank it and breathed fire everywhere! in the car just like similar to Dragons Love Tacos.

Then of course Elliot pretended he’d eaten spicy salsa in bed. He proceeded to pretend to breathe fire all over me. And I pretended to be burned. It was fun. He loved that game.

It was a wonderful night.

And I left a dozen books next to the bed with no one screaming at me about it.

Got the Rampage Arcade 1Up a few days ago. Elliot calls is “Gorilla, Lizard, Wolf”

May 15, 2021 Update : Today I sold it on Facebook Marketplace for the same price I bought it — $325. The kids were playing it too much and also I’m trying to downsize in anticipation of a possible move (again).

We went to Macy’s in Park Meadows Mall. Elliot is scared of the mannequins. I don’t blame him. He played on the escalator (big mistake on my part! I did not know!. At the top were bunch of mattresses, just like in Corderoy. We got on top of one and pretended to pull a button off, just like Corderoy!