Every time I pickup from a 5-day stay with Karolina, I notice something about his growth and development. It always astonishes me. Today I noticed that he consistently uses the word “I” in sentences now, rather than “me”. For example, “I have it” instead of “me have it” or “I want more!” instead of “me want more”.
Author grimholtz
Today I gave Elliot smoked salmon with black pepper in his lunch box. The grocery store was out of the usual kind. He came home and said his salmon has black dots! black dots! He said he liked it very much.
Elliot gets an erection in the bathtub and say, “My pee pee’s growing!“
Max and I are not getting along these days at all. I gave this to him on Thursday, June 10, after an incident with the police on Memorial Day, etc. June 10 was last time I saw him and spoke to him. He was very distant. Tomorrow will be 5 weeks with no contact. Karolina is not responding to my requests to talk to him by phone.
I wonder how his camp experience was? It was his first time away from home for more than a night (excluding Gaga). I miss him terribly.
When Elliot wants to hear the song Crazy Train, he asks for Funny Choo Choo.
Elliot talking to me from a dream this morning at 5:00 AM. He was lying next to me, sat up, and asked “Aki, why milky all done?” I offered him milky in a cup with a crazy straw. He turned over and fell back asleep.
Karolina took Elliot to his 2nd haircut appointment. He’s had other haircuts besides these two, but they have been me, Karolina, and his previous preschool teacher, Sam, who’ve botched it.
Some things we’ve done. He loves driving his car to the pool and parking it in the parking lot or at the bike rack. Then we go swimming. Mt Evans. Sprinkler in the front yard! Dead mouse on Chinley’s poop in the backyard! (We buried it — Elliot’s first burial). Barnes & Noble Bookstore. TOT Basketball at the Rec Center. Visiting the dentist with the game room!
Aquarium! Elitch Gardens with Mama
I found two old files where I’d typed up some memories with Max. I’m not sure if it’s already in this blog, might be, but it’s from 2014 so probably not. I probably printed it out and put it somewhere else, or wrote it in the Maxi Book, but I don’t know for sure.
18 January 2014
On Death
aki: (pointing to the 1999 Nissan Pathfinder or at photo of my father) “That was (my) gaga’s”
max: (after looking a moment) He die?
aki: yes
max: why?
aki: his heart stopped.
max: why?
aki: well, he was overweight and didn’t eat well and didn’t exercise. he died younger than he needed to. but max, everyone dies.
max: you too?
aki: yes, me too
max: and mama?
aki and karolina: yes, someday
max: and me?
aki: yes, max
max: no, but have to grow up first.
aki: yes, only when you’re an old man
(later)
max: maxie’s going to stay a boy forever?
aki: no, max, you’re going to grow up.
aki: max, what happens after you die?
max: you’re in the graveyard
aki: only your body, maxie, but a part of you lives
max: a part of me lives after I die?
aki: yes
max: my heart?
aki: ummmm
max: how do you turn into a ghost?
March 7, 2014
Cutting Max’s Hair Twirl
I took Max to the barber in Lexington. We both got our hair cut then had ice cream at Rancatore’s. As usual, Max doesn’t finish, but his face is covered in chocolate so I wipe it with a wet napkin after we drink from the water fountain. Then, we get into the car and after a few moments, Max starts to cry. I hadn’t started driving yet, so I turn around to the back seat:
“What’s wrong?!”, I ask.
“Waaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!” He says something, but I can’t understand through his booty and tears.
Alarmed, thinking he is physically hurt, I blurt out, “Max, what’s wong? I don’t understand!”
“I blah blah wahhhh!!!!!”
More desperately, I take his knee and say, “Max, I don’t understand!”
“I can’t do it anymore!!!!”, he replies
I don’t know what he’s talking about for a moment, then I see the his fingers trying to twirl the hair on his head, the hair that was just cut. He has real tears welling up and is genuinely distraught.
My heart aches for him. I say, “Oh, Max, I’m so sorry. I forgot to tell the man not to cut there.”
Max, tears overflowing his eyes and now rolling down his face: “W-w-why?” He is sobbing, trying to catch his breath. He’s not angry, just extremely sad.
“I don’t know, Maxie. I’m so sorry… I… I forgot.”
“Whhhhhhhhy?”
I feel as though I’ve stolen candy out of his mouth.
“Maxie, If I’d remembered, I never would have let the man cut that part of your hair. I’m sorry. But it will grow back.”
More crying. His face is red, his eyes are glassy and bright blue. His cheeks are wet. His hand is still trying to twirl his hair, booty in mouth.
“Do you want to go to the toy store now?”
“Y-y-y-yes”
“Ok, we’ll go to the one in Arlington, the one by the tiny house. You remember it?”
“Y-y-yes”
I pull out of the parking space and start driving.
“Tell me what kind of toy you want to get. You can get a big one.”
“You have money for a big one?”
“Yes”
“How much money you have? 10?”
“Yes”
He’s starting to calm down now. We talk a little more. Then:
“Aki, how does hair grow?”
Laughing inside, I say, “You have hair folicles in your head. The hair grows out of those. When you eat food and drink water, your body turns that into hair.”
He listens, and I say, “And when you brush your hair, the hair is pulled gently from the folicle. So it grows faster. Your hair grows faster if you brush it every day and eat lots of food.”
Max: “And drink water?”
“Yes”, I say.
We arrive to the toy store and buy $150 in toys to alleviate my guilt.
“Can we go home now?” asks Max.
“Don’t you want to go to Microcenter and play video games?” I say
“No, I want to go home.” He wants to go home so he can play with his new toys.
“What about going to the new playground?”
“Can we go home?”
We go home.
“It will grow back. If you brush it everyday, it will grow even faster.”
[write about ‘how do people get old?’ i don’t want to get old. i want to stay a little boy] (he asked this because we had just talked about my father dying.
March 7, 2014
Max: “You’re going to have a child in your belly because you guys hug eachother.”
March 8, 2014
While watching “Quiet City”, Max asks “Where are all the people?” I say, “The man woke up and everyone’s dead. He’s the only person left in the whole world.” Max thinks for a while then says, “He has to do all the work?”
Then later…
Max: “I want to be like that”
Me: “You mean the only person alive in the world?”
Max: “Yes.” Pause. “But with you. And mama. And Chinley. And the cats.”
March 7, 2014
Karolina and I are preparing to go on a date alone together. We haven’t been on one without Max for probably 3 years. Karolina is getting dressed while I’m polishing my boots in the kitchen.
“Mama, why are you wearing black? You’re wearing all black.”
“Yes, because it’s one of my favorite colors.”
“But it’s a very dangerous color.”
Later…
“Aki? Where are you?”
“I’m in the kitchen.” Max comes downstairs to the kitchen and sees me polishing my black boots.
“What are you doing?”, he asks.
“I’m polishing my boots”, I say.
“Why?” His favorite word.
“Because Mama and I are going out together”, I reply.
“And me too?”
“No, you’re staying here with Lucy. Lucy is going to watch you.”
“Why can’t I go with you?” Max asks
“Because you haven’t polished your boots, ” I say.
Max runs upstairs, retrieves his tiny brown boots, and returns to the kitchen.
“Well, we’d better get started.”
Tonight Elliot and I took a bubble bath together. We pretended the bubbles were cakes or pies. Taking a handful of bubbles into our hands, we would swear them across each other’s face or neck or chest.
Just like the scene he loves to watch from the film “The Great Race” or a variety of pie/throwing clips from different Three Stooges episodes.
Second or third time at the dentist, but FIRST time at Perfect Teeth. They have a game room and arcade in the waiting area! And statues of lions, alligators, and giraffes, which Elliot loved until he found the arcade.
There is a TV playing “The Last Dragon” as the technician cleans his teeth. The walls are painted with sea creatures that we name and talk about.
He loves this place!
And the dentist is great, Dr Lacey.
She says his teeth are quite affected from the use of a pacifier and milk bottle. Although we stopped the pacifier, we did not stop the milk bottle until right after the dentist appointment. Well, I hope Karolina keeps her word and is not giving the pacifier and bottle to him.
He has a cross bite in the back of his mouth. His palate is too narrow from the sucking action. His front teeth and push forward to much. All of these are the effects of the pacifier and bottle so late in development.
On the bright side, he now asks all the time to go to the dentist. He thinks the dentist can help with a cut he has on the top of his foot. In fact for a week or so he keeps mentioning “foots” and “check my foots” when I told him he’s going to the dentist.
We went yesterday to the dentist. He is still asking today, after school, if we can go so the dentist can check his foots. (And of course so we can play the Jurassic Park and Walking Dead video games), his favorites there).
Tonight Elliot dropped a water glass into the bathroom sink, and it shattered… loudly. He was upset. I felt the anger rising in me from the loudness and the awful mess, not from the $2 glass that broke. But I did not express any anger.
Still, he was upset on his own and reached out to hug me. I held him close and told him, “It’s ok. You’ll do better next time.”
I think he was disappointed in himself for breaking it. He had been brushing his teeth and wanted to fill this glass with water in order to rinse his mouth, like I’ve been teaching him.
My little boy.
Today we went to Mt Evan’s. Elliot did not enjoy it. Too much driving than what he’s used to. We did not hike but got out of the car once. Unfortunately I put him in underwear, not a diaper, and he ended up peeing in his pants. I felt awful.
But then we went to Blizzard Mountain Pinball for an hour and a half and he loved it!
