I found two old files where I’d typed up some memories with Max. I’m not sure if it’s already in this blog, might be, but it’s from 2014 so probably not. I probably printed it out and put it somewhere else, or wrote it in the Maxi Book, but I don’t know for sure.

18 January 2014

On Death

aki: (pointing to the 1999 Nissan Pathfinder or at photo of my father) “That was (my) gaga’s”
max: (after looking a moment) He die?
aki: yes
max: why?
aki: his heart stopped.
max: why?
aki: well, he was overweight and didn’t eat well and didn’t exercise. he died younger than he needed to. but max, everyone dies.
max: you too?
aki: yes, me too
max: and mama?
aki and karolina: yes, someday
max: and me?
aki: yes, max
max: no, but have to grow up first.
aki: yes, only when you’re an old man

(later)

max: maxie’s going to stay a boy forever?
aki: no, max, you’re going to grow up.

aki: max, what happens after you die?
max: you’re in the graveyard
aki: only your body, maxie, but a part of you lives
max: a part of me lives after I die?
aki: yes
max: my heart?
aki: ummmm
max: how do you turn into a ghost?

March 7, 2014

Cutting Max’s Hair Twirl

I took Max to the barber in Lexington. We both got our hair cut then had ice cream at Rancatore’s. As usual, Max doesn’t finish, but his face is covered in chocolate so I wipe it with a wet napkin after we drink from the water fountain. Then, we get into the car and after a few moments, Max starts to cry. I hadn’t started driving yet, so I turn around to the back seat:

“What’s wrong?!”, I ask.
“Waaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!” He says something, but I can’t understand through his booty and tears.
Alarmed, thinking he is physically hurt, I blurt out, “Max, what’s wong? I don’t understand!”
“I blah blah wahhhh!!!!!”
More desperately, I take his knee and say, “Max, I don’t understand!”
“I can’t do it anymore!!!!”, he replies

I don’t know what he’s talking about for a moment, then I see the his fingers trying to twirl the hair on his head, the hair that was just cut. He has real tears welling up and is genuinely distraught.

My heart aches for him. I say, “Oh, Max, I’m so sorry. I forgot to tell the man not to cut there.”
Max, tears overflowing his eyes and now rolling down his face: “W-w-why?” He is sobbing, trying to catch his breath. He’s not angry, just extremely sad.
“I don’t know, Maxie. I’m so sorry… I… I forgot.”
“Whhhhhhhhy?”

I feel as though I’ve stolen candy out of his mouth.

“Maxie, If I’d remembered, I never would have let the man cut that part of your hair. I’m sorry. But it will grow back.”

More crying. His face is red, his eyes are glassy and bright blue. His cheeks are wet. His hand is still trying to twirl his hair, booty in mouth.

“Do you want to go to the toy store now?”
“Y-y-y-yes”
“Ok, we’ll go to the one in Arlington, the one by the tiny house. You remember it?”
“Y-y-yes”

I pull out of the parking space and start driving.

“Tell me what kind of toy you want to get. You can get a big one.”
“You have money for a big one?”
“Yes”
“How much money you have? 10?”
“Yes”

He’s starting to calm down now. We talk a little more. Then:

“Aki, how does hair grow?”

Laughing inside, I say, “You have hair folicles in your head. The hair grows out of those. When you eat food and drink water, your body turns that into hair.”

He listens, and I say, “And when you brush your hair, the hair is pulled gently from the folicle. So it grows faster. Your hair grows faster if you brush it every day and eat lots of food.”

Max: “And drink water?”

“Yes”, I say.

We arrive to the toy store and buy $150 in toys to alleviate my guilt.

“Can we go home now?” asks Max.

“Don’t you want to go to Microcenter and play video games?” I say

“No, I want to go home.” He wants to go home so he can play with his new toys.

“What about going to the new playground?”

“Can we go home?”

We go home.

“It will grow back. If you brush it everyday, it will grow even faster.”

[write about ‘how do people get old?’ i don’t want to get old. i want to stay a little boy] (he asked this because we had just talked about my father dying.

March 7, 2014


Max: “You’re going to have a child in your belly because you guys hug eachother.”

March 8, 2014

While watching “Quiet City”, Max asks “Where are all the people?” I say, “The man woke up and everyone’s dead. He’s the only person left in the whole world.” Max thinks for a while then says, “He has to do all the work?”

Then later…

Max: “I want to be like that”
Me: “You mean the only person alive in the world?”
Max: “Yes.” Pause. “But with you. And mama. And Chinley. And the cats.”

March 7, 2014

Karolina and I are preparing to go on a date alone together. We haven’t been on one without Max for probably 3 years. Karolina is getting dressed while I’m polishing my boots in the kitchen.

“Mama, why are you wearing black? You’re wearing all black.”
“Yes, because it’s one of my favorite colors.”
“But it’s a very dangerous color.”

Later…

“Aki? Where are you?”
“I’m in the kitchen.” Max comes downstairs to the kitchen and sees me polishing my black boots.
“What are you doing?”, he asks.
“I’m polishing my boots”, I say.
“Why?” His favorite word.
“Because Mama and I are going out together”, I reply.
“And me too?”
“No, you’re staying here with Lucy. Lucy is going to watch you.”
“Why can’t I go with you?” Max asks
“Because you haven’t polished your boots, ” I say.
Max runs upstairs, retrieves his tiny brown boots, and returns to the kitchen.
“Well, we’d better get started.”