Today we closed on the sale of the house at 1562 Red Draw in Cordilllera. It was an awful experience all the way through, especially on the final day.

I’ll only mention a couple of events that happened today, but there were many other complications throughout the last 30+ days to reach closing.

1. We unfortunately agreed to patch and paint holes. Karolina accidentally used the wrong paint color in two rooms (upstairs tv room, upstairs bed room), and the paint in the dining room also didn’t match exactly (as mentioned in the contract, they should be exact) because the walls had faded while the paint in can did not.

We initially agreed to $250 credit for there 3 rooms. Then the buyer’s broker walked through the house Sunday night and said every room had this problem.

Brooke, our realtor, said she’d go to the house in the morning to see, and she would fix the spots herself with matched paint from Home Depot is necessary.

She got to the house 10:00 on Monday (closing at 11:30) and said the problem was too serious for her to fix.

We got her mother, Pam, on the phone, who was in Paris on vacation. They both put on the pressure to increase our $250 credit.

“You need to close”, said Pam.

I threw out $500, and Pam didn’t think that was enough. She wanted me to justify the number and was pushing for more but would not suggest an amount.

Meanwhile, Brooke had texted $500 to the buyer’s broker. During this discussion with Pam, he replied that the sellers would accept $500. Yay, right?

Karolina insisted she would not sign the closing documents until this paint agreement was signed by the buyers.

“YOU NEED TO CLOSE”, said Pam.

We agreed to give them $500 towards it in a signed document not part of the formal closing documents. Including it in the closing documents would force the whole deal to be reviewed by the buyer’s lender again, forcing a 3+ day delay… Then we would not be able to buy 715 Mueller Drive in Highlands Ranch.

So we signed the paint agreement (so sign the buyers), closing documents and thought everything was done…

2. I get a call from the title company around 2:30 that the buyer’s lender wants me and Karolina to sign a document that says something like, “we know of no other money changing hands outside of the closing documents.” Without it, they wouldnt give he funds to the buyers.

Well, clearly this statement wasn’t true. Penalty for lying? Fine and/or prison.

But our realtor, Brooke, insisted this $500 was another transaction and not part of the closing. I wasn’t comfortable with that. The document had the same date and even the address on it.

I could not reach Karolina.

I sent the documents to our realtor for 715 Mueller Drive, Adrian Dedering, to get his opinion. He immediately said he would not sign, which reinforced my feelings.

I told Brooke again that I don’t want to sign it

“YOU NEED TO CLOSE. YOU WILL BE IN BREECH OF YOUR OBLIGATIONS. YOU WILL LOSE THE ESCROW MONEY” and an insinuation that I’d have to pay the realty company there commission, anyway.

She called me back with John Slifer on the phone, while I conference Adrian for support (Slifer did not like that and was pushing to understand why Adrian was on the call).

John asked some questions about the deal. I explained I didn’t feel comfortable signing. I didn’t want to go to jail over the this. Brooke didn’t speak.

At this point it was 3:30. We had 90 minutes to resolve this or the house would not be sold (title company closed at 5:00 PM).

“Will you sign the lenders document if we can get the buyers to void the agreement?”

“Absolutely”, I said. “Be creative.”

He said he’d call me back. When he did, Brooke did not speak again.

“Brooke will pay the buyers $500 as a closing gift. You don’t pay anything. We don’t want any paper trail. The $500 agreement you had with the buyers won’t voided, but it won’t be executed, either. When all this is over, maybe you could send Brooke a nice thank you gift.”

Whew. But I still knew of another deal outside the closing document regarding the transaction, even if want anything we were paying. I still didn’t really want to sign the lenders document.

I called the title company, about to say that I was resady to sign. Before I could, the title agent said the lender agreed to give the money even without that signed document: they had provided it so last-minute, that they must have felt like they screwed up (we should have been given the document earlier).

I said we’d sign it and send it tomorrow because we didn’t have a scanner. Maybe even take photos instead… I couldn’t reach my wife, anyway, to get her signature.

We’re not signing that… Ever.

Karolina made a chicken pot pie in celebration. She carved the words, “FUCK THEM” into the crust.